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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.